Straight to the Spam Folder: Astonishing E-Mail Messages You'll Never Open
Spamming is an underappreciated art form. In fact, “hated” may be a more accurate adjective. Like mimes in a public square, spammers seek to capture the attention of people who actively try to avoid them. Thus they must strike fast and hard, bewildering their prey with astonishing bombast, no-holds-barred familiarity, and too-good-to-be-true promises. Much depends on the effectiveness of their initial pitch–the e-mail header–and in exploiting that space, they put practitioners of haiku to shame, delivering their come-on to the rubes (that is, us) in a single line and usually in far fewer than 17 syllables.
And yet if you equip your e-mail program with a good spam filter (we at PC World use the Postini service), you’re unlikely to see the fruits of the spammer’s labor unless you enter the world of the Quarantine Summary, where “potential junk or virus-infected messages” go to die. If you think of your daily trip to the quarantine zone as a usually fruitless scan for wrongly incarcerated messages, it can’t help but seem a nuisance. But if you go there looking for poetry, Delphic mystery, and fortune-cookie philosophy, you can discover gems of unrecognized genius.
So let’s take a spin through the quarantined messages of PC World’s editorial staff and see what wisdom our spammers wish to impart to a cynical, uncaring world. Our guarantee: All of the e-mail headers listed here are certified as-is, found-in-the-filter, pure organic spam, without any artificial editorial enhancements. (However, since spammers have the naughty habit of commandeering innocent people’s e-mail addresses in order to gain a patina of legitimacy–and since innocent people are not above filing nasty lawsuits–I have altered the e-mail addresses included here.)
GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS
I don’t know you
(from [email protected])
I’m glad we cleared that up right away. (Incidentally, FHM magazine recently named this one of the ten best pickup lines ever.)
Happy New Now!
(from [email protected])
Too late: It’s already old.
Hi it’s Monica
(from [email protected])
Okay, let’s give it a try: “Hi, Monica. I don’t know you.”
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES
Help Your Customer Live the Fantasy
(from [email protected])
This opportunity may be a bit more hands-on than I’d like.
Leadership on purpose
(from [email protected])
But isn’t that cheating?
Create a Customer Walk-a-Thon
(from [email protected])
No, no! Into the store, into the store!
Are you participating in the Recession?
(from [email protected])
You mean…it’s voluntary?
GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
Hi Linda, try yourself as a Personal Assistant
(from [email protected])
If it doesn’t work out, you can always lay yourself off.
Need Promotion
(from [email protected])
To senior watchdog?
Better Job
(from [email protected])
Wait a minute–why am I offering myself a better job?
WATCHES!
With our watches boring time will go faster.
(from [email protected])
The focus here is either on disturbing the space/time continuum or on appealing specifically to miners.
With a cool watch you can beat everybody.
(from [email protected])
Sounds like an extremely sturdy (and dangerous) watch.
Designer watches at very democratic prices.
(from [email protected])
This one looks promising. I know I can’t afford very republican prices.
An elegant watch will give you the wings.
(from [email protected])
Is that anything like the vapors?
We offer the best alarm-clocks for your little buddy down there.
(from [email protected])
Gilligan?!?
ENTERTAINMENT/ADVENTURE/TRAVEL
Laugh ‘Til You Cry
(from [email protected])
I hope that isn’t a threat. “Laugh, Clown, Laugh!”
Agree to be sick! Noway!
(from [email protected])
If that’s a typo for “Norway,” I know a country that needs a new PR campaign.
Hello. Heather here
(from [email protected])
Scotland’s board of tourism could do with a new slogan, too.
MYSTERIOUS ADVICE
Bell the cat, or rather, get
(from [email protected])
“Bell the get”?
Buy Soft For The Prices You Will Enjoy.
(from [email protected])
Finally, an investment strategy that makes sense–unless your heart is set on buying firm.
If for you bad mood to call to me!
(from [email protected])
Borat is moonlighting again. But is this if already for me bad mood, or if in order for me bad mood?
Stop Sweating and Start Cheating at Gardening Today
(from [email protected])
Many who are new to the world of high-stakes gardening succumb to this temptation.
RANDOMNESS
Colorful People Don’t Need Color
(from [email protected])
So color is something you don’t need if you have it but do need if you don’t? Augggh–it’s an infinite loop!
good-natured Whale. Well,
(from [email protected])
I, for one, welcome even-tempered, healthy whales.
no more. Of him she did hear from ti
(from [email protected])
This is what happens when you try to publish your novel as a series of 286,000 tweets.
EDUCATION
Real University diplomas.
(from [email protected])
Most people go to Real University for the football games and the parties, anyway. But why is a law firm involved in this offer?
Online Bachelor’s Degrees you deserve
(from [email protected])
That B.S. in video studies from YouTube U. is rightfully mine!
Diplomas for everybody.
(from [email protected])
Unclear whether this is a campaign slogan or a drink order in a bar.
Doctorate degree can be yours.
(from [email protected])
I don’t know… Since I did my undergraduate work at Real University, I can afford to be pretty picky about where I go for my graduate degrees.
HEALTH
Real manliness is renewable at any age ?
(from [email protected])
Losing the question mark might sell this message just a smidge better.
The best way not to fall ill is the rise your immunity
(from [email protected])
It’s also the best way to stay out of jail, as many former government officials have found.
The endurance and stamina depends on the size as well.
(from salaam0@ pallidtetrad.com)
That explains why you see so few 450-pound marathoners.
Don’t fear the measuring tape anymore , Acai Berri.
(from [email protected])
If she looks anything like her sister Hallie, her fear was unfounded in the first place.
We know the method to quit the aging process.
(from [email protected])
So do I. Unfortunately, it’s also the method to quit the breathing process.
Hey, I know this is a miracle cure, I have seen it on tv
(from [email protected])
And I know it is, because you just sent me an e-mail about it.
The way to her heart is through her wrist.
(from [email protected])
Next you’ll be telling us that an army marches on its wrists. (Gorilla warfare, maybe?)
INTIMACY
Who knows what is to make a fool of oneself in the bed will understand!
(from [email protected])
Too much information, Dad.
Marvelous scent dragging women after your trail.
(from [email protected])
For the cave-gentleman demographic.
Be her eromaniac
(from [email protected])
You don’t suppose they mean “egomaniac,” do you? Or “euromaniac”? Or “ergomaniac”?
Need a standing rocket?
(from [email protected])
Is this a metaphor or a homeland security breach? (Also named to FHM’s top ten pickup lines list.)
Dozed virility!
(from [email protected])
“I am SO turned on. Good night.”
Now even your stress at work can’t stand on your way to success in bed.
(from [email protected])
Presumably, it just kind of squats there.
Your life will be worthwhile if your penis grows a little.
(from [email protected])
And if not, not. This statement sums up a belief system that underwrites an entire industry.
YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER
You,ve Won 2009 ATM card
(from [email protected])
Hey, wait a minute–this is for Bernie Madoff’s account at Washington Mutual!
Buy any product and get another 3 items for free armhole
(from [email protected])
I’ve been looking for one of those…
Life of an ordinary loser is not for you
(from [email protected])
*Your punch line goes here.*
If you’ve spotted a world-class message header in your spam filter recently, share it in the comments section below. And if you have any suggestions for creative uses of spam headers, let us know. For example, two of our editors independently came up with the idea of building poems out of the headers–shades of Newton and Leibniz simultaneously discovering advanced calculus!
For more page-view-generating fluff from our archives, check out these fine stories:
• You Must Obey: The Unwritten Laws of Technology
• Tech Tattoos: The Good, the Bad and the R U SRS?
• 15 Tech T-Shirts We Love
• Dirty Dozen Ugliest and Lamest Cell Phones